My Advice

My advice to you?





Don't be such a nerd-wad!

Column #11 - The Cream Cheese Edition

dear sexologist buck williams,

i've noticed that i'm the first person my male friends call after they bed a new lady. what's up with that? also-- what if the situation were reversed? i dont think i'd get a tender ear and a bit of advice from them. they're loosers.
truly,

CREAM CHEESE

My Dearest Cream Cheese,


First of all, Cream Cheese? Seriously. Cream Cheese? Why would you pick a name that sounds like either a mediocre breakfast spread, or a disgusting nickname for an STD?

I can only assume it's because you are either "easlily spread", which strikes me as a bit innappropraite, or that you are pasty white, which means you need to get out into the sun more often. Or you're secretly a vampire. Which is scary.

So you want to know why your male friends call you, once they've "done the proverbial deed" with a new woman. Well, first I would suggest that they are likely trying to impress you. You see, the male mind, while quite primitive, has a very weak ego. We feel the need to be constantly reassured. So despite the fact that these friends of yours have made a conquest in the bedroom arena, they still are insecure about their manhood, and are looking to you for confirmation that they are manly men with large phalluses (or is it phalli?), and testicles the size of basketballs.

My second theory, is your male friends are probably gay. They're scared to admit it, and so far in the closet they can't even see their ruby slippers, so they call their friend the secret Vampire, to reafirm their straightness. Don't be suprised if in sixth months, you have the first in a series of conversations that end with "And so that's when I knew I was gay".

Trust me, there might be something off with your "gaydar", but my "homometer" is reading off the charts.

Goodnight, and Good Luck.


Buck Williams

Column #10 - The Beardo Edition

Dear Mr. Williams


I am a 28 year old excessivley hairy male. I recently hooked up with a deaf 19 year old girl from the Minneapolis area, thanks to the wonderful website, craigslist. See, her fetish is hairy, hair men, and let's just say I was her dream come true. On her ad she said she was looking to hook up with a bestial hairy man just like myself.

So after we hooked up, she has not paid a single ounce of attention to me. And the worst part is, I've totally fallen for her. Why won't she return my calls, let alone date me? I want to be with this girl for the rest of forever and ever.


Beardo



My Poor Friend Beardo,


First of all, thanks for including the photo to demonstrate exactly how hair you are.

the horror........the horror..........

Now that you have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that Nietche was correct, that God is indeed dead, and now that my eyes are done water after the sixteen hour dry heaving fit you sent me into, I suppose we can move on to trying to help you out.

Man you are one hairy dude.

So, some deaf girl hooked up with you because she was into hairy dudes, and now you want her back? Well, despite the fact that this is your fault (she didn't say she wanted a relationship with a hairy dude, just to hook up with one), you seem like a decent fellow who probably has no chances of ever hooking up with anyone else, be they deaf, blind, dumb, parapelegic, or otherwise, and for whatever reason this girl doesn't mind the massive hairballs that result from breathing the air in the same room as your disgusting body, I think you're right to persue her.

So here's what you should do. First, find out what she likes (besides circus freaks). Then, learn to be interested in what she likes. Freakishly so. The more over the top you are, the more impressed she'll be. For example, if she's mildly interested in, say, Opera, you could easily impress her by learning the name of every obscure opera, every obscure opera singer, and dressing up like Luciano Pavarotti. I promise you this will not creep her out. It will impress her to no end, and she will fall head over heels in love with you.

But she's probably not into Opera. Being deaf and all.

Once you have her eating out of the palm of your hand, make sure she knows how lucky she is to be with you. Remind her of all her flaws. A girl with no self esteem is a girl who's not going to leave you. Here are a couple of sample phrases you could try:

"Hey, did you know you're deaf? And deaf people are losers."

"Man, I'm suprised you can fit that figure into that dress."

"Have you ever broken your nose? Cause it's really crooked."

"What? I'm sorry, I can't hear you because you're deaf."

Also, doing mock sign language will work wonders for you.

Good luck, and God Speed you hairy, hairy man-beast.

Column #9 - The Kimberly Edition

Dear Buck.


I have a 2, soon to be 3 year old son, and the little S*** is annoying as all hell. He screams, he cries, he throws fits, mostly it seems to get some attention. What can I do to make it stop?


Kimberly


Dear Kimberly,


Welcome to parenthood! You seem more than happy to be raising your little bundle of joy, and despite your chain smoking alchoholism, you're doing a fine job, I'm sure.

So, you want to know how to stop your child from being obnoxious? Well, I'll give youa few pointers.

#1 - Stop letting your child think for himself. Children are impressionable, so everything you do and allow them to do will shape who they are. So you need to put a stop to it as soon as possible. Do not, under any circumstances, let them develop their own personalities. Children should be treated like cult members, rewarded when they act just like you, punished harshly when they do not. Otherwise, how will you convince them to one day become suicide bombers?

Hail Mighty Allah

#2 - If brainwashing doesn't work, try a good healthy slapping. Children are like pets, and if they make a mess in the middle of your favorite couch, the only way to teach them a lesson is to roll up a giant newspaper, and slap the be-jeezus out of them. Sure, they may hate yu when they're older, and sure, they may require therapy to repair the "damage" to their fragile little psyches, but you know what? I don't care, because when I'm watching Wheel of Fortune, you need to shut the hell up!

Spongebob Squarepant This!

#3 - If this fails, then as a last resort, try using sedatives. Nothing says "I Love You" like allowing your child to sleep through what would likely be their painful formative years. Just remember to occassionaly wipe their noses. As you can see, I forgot that part.

The Great Snot Waterfall of '99

Column #8 - The Sk33ver Edition

Dear Buck,


I have this friend, who I used to work with at the local bookstore (name withheld). He was recently fired, as he was caught taking books into the men's restroom and reading them for his entire shift, instead of actually working. I'm OK with the fact that he was fired, because he really deserved to be canned.

But yesterday, he called me, asking a favor. He apparently had taken several items from the store during his tenure here (a stapler, some pens, mugs, etc.), and he would like them returned if at all possible, and he's asked me to smuggle them back in.

So what should I do? Should I sneak the stolen objects back in? Or should I report him to my supervisor?


-The Sk33ver-



Dear Sk33ver,

Allow me to begin by saying, what the hell is up with your name? Seriously. Sk33ver? What does that even mean? I'm willing to bet you smoke a lot of pot my friend, and frankly, I think you've crossed the line between "fun hobby" and "brain damaging obsession". Put down the apple bong and joystick, and try reading a book.

But, I digress. You have come to me seeking wisdom, and I shal dispense said wisdom forthwith. You've presented an interesting ethical dilema. Should you rat out your friend, getting him in trouble, possibly with the envolvment of law enforcement officials, or should you try and help him out, risking your own hide by brining stolen items in your possesion, into the workplace.

Well, here's what I think you should do Sk33ver. You should first, steal a bunch of items yourself. Anything you want. Books, markers, staplers, paperclips, notepads, the right workplace can be a goldmine of supplies for your buding home office.

Once you have thuroughly stocked up your suplies, you tell your friend you'll gladly bring those object back to work for him. Once they are in your posession, you walk right into your supervisor's office, and let him/her know what your friend has been doing. Present your supervisor with the items as evidence of your friends backstabbery against the fine establishment where you work, and mention that you don't think that's all he's taken.

Why would you want to do this you ask?

Well, for two reasons.

#1 - It will allay any suspicions that might have been surrounding your name and the recent disappearances of office supplies. They have the culprit, and you helped bring him in.

#2 - It will get you on your supervisor's good side. Nothing says "I'll make a good assistant manager" better than ratting out a close friend to the authorities. It will make you appear more moral, more honest, and an all around better person. And once you are in a position of authority, you are ready to start stealing things of value, like money.

So good luck, and god-speed my young friend. And you should also pick a new name.

Sk33ver.

Seriously, that's retarded.

Column #7 - The Jeff Edition

Dear Buck,


I think you're great, and I need some really great advice. You see, there's this girl I like. She's really cute, and funny (or at least, I'm sure she's funny, but I haven't talked to her yet), and I was wondering how I can win her over tomorrow [edit from Buck, tomorrow is Valentine's Day], because I'm still a virgin, and I want to see some boobies.

Please, help me to score.

Please?


Sincerely,
Jeff



Dearest Jeff,


Well my friend, let me start off this edition by saying:

Don't Worry About Being A Virgin!

Having sex isn't the biggest deal in the world. I mean, sure, it's totally awesome, and great, and it's all I ever want to do ever, because there's nothing in the world quite like it; the sweat...the skin....the smells....it's just so fantastic....and how tired, yet relaxed and.............excuse me for a moment.

Sorry, I had to run to the restroom with my favorite copy of Teen People and.....uh......take a huge dump.

Yesa. I was pooping.

Anyway, Jeff, according to the bible, sex is meant to be had between a married man and woman. I waited until I was married. That's right ladies. I know it sounds like a tragedy, buy Mrs. Williams is the only one who has tasted of Buck's Man Meat. And let me tell you, it's a very small serving size, if you know what I mean (I'm saying I have a small phallus).

But I digress. So Jeff, in order to get you in the sack with a lady, we need to get you to the alter. So I have a couple of ideas on what you can do to increase your chances of dropping of some of your best swimmers at the local swimming hole.


#1 - Stop playing Dungeons and Dragons.
If you want to meet girls, and then meat girls, you first need to be in close proximity to them, and when you're busy pretending to be Dildor, the 13th level Blackgaurd Kobold, odds are your in a room filled with overweight, acne encrusted male nerds. And thate room probably smells like farts as well, and there's nothing worse than a beardo fart. So scoring witha chick will be

#2 - Stop Dressing Like This (I found this photo on your blog. Shame!):

#3 - Try hitting on ugly chicks.
See, not everyone is as gifted as me when it comes to the looks department, so maybe you're setting your sights a little bit to high. See that girl withthe buck teeth? I bet she'd touch your wee-wee. Or that girl who's left eye doesn't quite point straight, so you're never sure if she's looking at you, or slightly over your right shoulder? I bet with a little bit of convincing, she'd show you her ariola. Remember, ugly people like to knock boots too (if you ever downloaded ametuer porn, which you likely have, then you know this).

#4 - Take A Shower
Despite what you apparently think, smelling like a mixture of curry, raw hamburger, a soiled adult diaper, and Bigfoot's Scrotum does not a sexy man make. Try bathing (preferably daily), and use soap, especially on your armpits, and on your unmentionables. If Peter, Paul, and Larry aren't clean, then no self respecting, crab free lady is going to let you within five feet of her happy cleft.


If none of those help, try just telling them you know me. I have quite a reputation with the ladies (just ask Suze, and her friends over at her sex blog. They can't stop talking about me!). So odds are you'll get laid just on my reputation alone.

Good luck, and happy hunting.

Column #6 - The Larry Edition

I had almost all but forgotten about the advice column, since no one seems interested in my excessive amounts of wisdom and wit, so it came as quite a suprise when I had an e-mail in my inbox. So, here is yet another Advice Column edition, thanks to Larry. If anyone else would like some patented Buck wisdom, feel free to e-mail me in all my glory (buckwilly@gmail.com).


Dear Buck,


I have this new girlfriend, let's call her "Darla". She's sweet, and funny, and nice, but she always wants me to call her no matter what. otherwise she "worries about me all the time". This seems really stupid to me, because who the (expletive deleted) does she think she is? The other problem I have is with sex. We have sex and stuff, and it's cool, but she won't give me head, and that pisses me off. What's her problem? Do you think I should dump her?

Larry


Dear Larry,


I assume you are the former neighbor from the television program Three's Company, pictured below with John Ritter.



So first off, thanks for making such great Television!!! If it weren't for the DVD collections of Three's Company my wife keeps buying, I wouldn't spend night after night watching tritely contrived and awkwardly sexual misunderstandings be resolved in a twenty minute time frame, and without that, I am nothing.

Kudos to you. I also enjoyed your other work in the film....uh.........well, your other work.

So, Larry the lady killer needs some romantic advice from the Buckman. Well, let's address the first part of your e-mail first.

Women are, what scientists have termed, "needy". So it's no suprise to me that your girlfriend wants you to call her "all the time". Girls need that. See, women, about whom I know everything, like three things. Shopping, Feelings, and Being Called on the Telephone. Once you understand that, you will reach a zen like peace of mind. So the easiest way to overcome this, is to go from defensive, to offensice.

Call her. Not onc a day. Not even twice a day. Call her every ten to fifteen minutes. Leave her cute little messages about how cute her butty-kins are. Trust me, after two days, she'll be fine with you not calling. The key to defeating a co-dependant significant other, is to be more co-dependant than they are.

As for your second problem, I can totally relate. Mrs. Buck Williams won't get near my tiny, crooked winky. I used to worry about it for a long time, until I had a talk with my Pastor. He told me that if God intended for your wee-wee to go in her mouth-y, he would have put the uteris in her throat. I learned that the only way God meant for man and woman to be together, is for the man to be on top, the woman to lay docile, and the whole sex act to take place within a two minute time frame. Anything else is a sin in the eyes of the Lord. So shame on you Larry. Shaaaaaaaame ooooooon Yooooooouuuuuu!!!!! Also, have you tried hiding your weiner in an Ice Cream Sunday? Girls love ice cream, and if you play your cards right, and suffer from premature ejaculation like I do, you can close the deal before she even catches on to what's happening.

Good Luck Larry!!!