From The Desk of Buck Williams...

My Advice

2007-12-02T00:25:00.001-08:00

My advice to you?

Don't be such a nerd-wad!

Column #11 - The Cream Cheese Edition

2006-05-19T08:44:00.000-07:00

dear sexologist buck williams,

i've noticed that i'm the first person my male friends call after they bed a new lady. what's up with that? also-- what if the situation were reversed? i dont think i'd get a tender ear and a bit of advice from them. they're loosers.
truly,

CREAM CHEESE

My Dearest Cream Cheese,

First of all, Cream Cheese? Seriously. Cream Cheese? Why would you pick a name that sounds like either a mediocre breakfast spread, or a disgusting nickname for an STD?

I can only assume it's because you are either "easlily spread", which strikes me as a bit innappropraite, or that you are pasty white, which means you need to get out into the sun more often. Or you're secretly a vampire. Which is scary.

So you want to know why your male friends call you, once they've "done the proverbial deed" with a new woman. Well, first I would suggest that they are likely trying to impress you. You see, the male mind, while quite primitive, has a very weak ego. We feel the need to be constantly reassured. So despite the fact that these friends of yours have made a conquest in the bedroom arena, they still are insecure about their manhood, and are looking to you for confirmation that they are manly men with large phalluses (or is it phalli?), and testicles the size of basketballs.

My second theory, is your male friends are probably gay. They're scared to admit it, and so far in the closet they can't even see their ruby slippers, so they call their friend the secret Vampire, to reafirm their straightness. Don't be suprised if in sixth months, you have the first in a series of conversations that end with "And so that's when I knew I was gay".

Trust me, there might be something off with your "gaydar", but my "homometer" is reading off the charts.

Goodnight, and Good Luck.

Buck Williams

Column #10 - The Beardo Edition

2006-05-12T15:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Williams

I am a 28 year old excessivley hairy male. I recently hooked up with a deaf 19 year old girl from the Minneapolis area, thanks to the wonderful website, craigslist. See, her fetish is hairy, hair men, and let's just say I was her dream come true. On her ad she said she was looking to hook up with a bestial hairy man just like myself.

So after we hooked up, she has not paid a single ounce of attention to me. And the worst part is, I've totally fallen for her. Why won't she return my calls, let alone date me? I want to be with this girl for the rest of forever and ever.

Beardo

My Poor Friend Beardo,

First of all, thanks for including the photo to demonstrate exactly how hair you are.

the horror........the horror..........

Now that you have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that Nietche was correct, that God is indeed dead, and now that my eyes are done water after the sixteen hour dry heaving fit you sent me into, I suppose we can move on to trying to help you out.

Man you are one hairy dude.

So, some deaf girl hooked up with you because she was into hairy dudes, and now you want her back? Well, despite the fact that this is your fault (she didn't say she wanted a relationship with a hairy dude, just to hook up with one), you seem like a decent fellow who probably has no chances of ever hooking up with anyone else, be they deaf, blind, dumb, parapelegic, or otherwise, and for whatever reason this girl doesn't mind the massive hairballs that result from breathing the air in the same room as your disgusting body, I think you're right to persue her.

So here's what you should do. First, find out what she likes (besides circus freaks). Then, learn to be interested in what she likes. Freakishly so. The more over the top you are, the more impressed she'll be. For example, if she's mildly interested in, say, Opera, you could easily impress her by learning the name of every obscure opera, every obscure opera singer, and dressing up like Luciano Pavarotti. I promise you this will not creep her out. It will impress her to no end, and she will fall head over heels in love with you.

But she's probably not into Opera. Being deaf and all.

Once you have her eating out of the palm of your hand, make sure she knows how lucky she is to be with you. Remind her of all her flaws. A girl with no self esteem is a girl who's not going to leave you. Here are a couple of sample phrases you could try:

"Hey, did you know you're deaf? And deaf people are losers."

"Man, I'm suprised you can fit that figure into that dress."

"Have you ever broken your nose? Cause it's really crooked."

"What? I'm sorry, I can't hear you because you're deaf."

Also, doing mock sign language will work wonders for you.

Good luck, and God Speed you hairy, hairy man-beast.

Column #9 - The Kimberly Edition

2006-02-17T13:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Buck.

I have a 2, soon to be 3 year old son, and the little S*** is annoying as all hell. He screams, he cries, he throws fits, mostly it seems to get some attention. What can I do to make it stop?

Kimberly

Dear Kimberly,

Welcome to parenthood! You seem more than happy to be raising your little bundle of joy, and despite your chain smoking alchoholism, you're doing a fine job, I'm sure.

So, you want to know how to stop your child from being obnoxious? Well, I'll give youa few pointers.

#1 - Stop letting your child think for himself. Children are impressionable, so everything you do and allow them to do will shape who they are. So you need to put a stop to it as soon as possible. Do not, under any circumstances, let them develop their own personalities. Children should be treated like cult members, rewarded when they act just like you, punished harshly when they do not. Otherwise, how will you convince them to one day become suicide bombers?

Hail Mighty Allah

#2 - If brainwashing doesn't work, try a good healthy slapping. Children are like pets, and if they make a mess in the middle of your favorite couch, the only way to teach them a lesson is to roll up a giant newspaper, and slap the be-jeezus out of them. Sure, they may hate yu when they're older, and sure, they may require therapy to repair the "damage" to their fragile little psyches, but you know what? I don't care, because when I'm watching Wheel of Fortune, you need to shut the hell up!

Spongebob Squarepant This!

#3 - If this fails, then as a last resort, try using sedatives. Nothing says "I Love You" like allowing your child to sleep through what would likely be their painful formative years. Just remember to occassionaly wipe their noses. As you can see, I forgot that part.

The Great Snot Waterfall of '99

Column #8 - The Sk33ver Edition

2006-02-15T10:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Buck,

I have this friend, who I used to work with at the local bookstore (name withheld). He was recently fired, as he was caught taking books into the men's restroom and reading them for his entire shift, instead of actually working. I'm OK with the fact that he was fired, because he really deserved to be canned.

But yesterday, he called me, asking a favor. He apparently had taken several items from the store during his tenure here (a stapler, some pens, mugs, etc.), and he would like them returned if at all possible, and he's asked me to smuggle them back in.

So what should I do? Should I sneak the stolen objects back in? Or should I report him to my supervisor?

-The Sk33ver-

Dear Sk33ver,

Allow me to begin by saying, what the hell is up with your name? Seriously. Sk33ver? What does that even mean? I'm willing to bet you smoke a lot of pot my friend, and frankly, I think you've crossed the line between "fun hobby" and "brain damaging obsession". Put down the apple bong and joystick, and try reading a book.

But, I digress. You have come to me seeking wisdom, and I shal dispense said wisdom forthwith. You've presented an interesting ethical dilema. Should you rat out your friend, getting him in trouble, possibly with the envolvment of law enforcement officials, or should you try and help him out, risking your own hide by brining stolen items in your possesion, into the workplace.

Well, here's what I think you should do Sk33ver. You should first, steal a bunch of items yourself. Anything you want. Books, markers, staplers, paperclips, notepads, the right workplace can be a goldmine of supplies for your buding home office.

Once you have thuroughly stocked up your suplies, you tell your friend you'll gladly bring those object back to work for him. Once they are in your posession, you walk right into your supervisor's office, and let him/her know what your friend has been doing. Present your supervisor with the items as evidence of your friends backstabbery against the fine establishment where you work, and mention that you don't think that's all he's taken.

Why would you want to do this you ask?

Well, for two reasons.

#1 - It will allay any suspicions that might have been surrounding your name and the recent disappearances of office supplies. They have the culprit, and you helped bring him in.

#2 - It will get you on your supervisor's good side. Nothing says "I'll make a good assistant manager" better than ratting out a close friend to the authorities. It will make you appear more moral, more honest, and an all around better person. And once you are in a position of authority, you are ready to start stealing things of value, like money.

So good luck, and god-speed my young friend. And you should also pick a new name.

Sk33ver.

Seriously, that's retarded.

Column #7 - The Jeff Edition

2006-02-13T16:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Buck,

I think you're great, and I need some really great advice. You see, there's this girl I like. She's really cute, and funny (or at least, I'm sure she's funny, but I haven't talked to her yet), and I was wondering how I can win her over tomorrow [edit from Buck, tomorrow is Valentine's Day], because I'm still a virgin, and I want to see some boobies.

Please, help me to score.

Please?

Sincerely,
Jeff

Dearest Jeff,

Well my friend, let me start off this edition by saying:

Don't Worry About Being A Virgin!

Having sex isn't the biggest deal in the world. I mean, sure, it's totally awesome, and great, and it's all I ever want to do ever, because there's nothing in the world quite like it; the sweat...the skin....the smells....it's just so fantastic....and how tired, yet relaxed and.............excuse me for a moment.

Sorry, I had to run to the restroom with my favorite copy of Teen People and.....uh......take a huge dump.

Yesa. I was pooping.

Anyway, Jeff, according to the bible, sex is meant to be had between a married man and woman. I waited until I was married. That's right ladies. I know it sounds like a tragedy, buy Mrs. Williams is the only one who has tasted of Buck's Man Meat. And let me tell you, it's a very small serving size, if you know what I mean (I'm saying I have a small phallus).

But I digress. So Jeff, in order to get you in the sack with a lady, we need to get you to the alter. So I have a couple of ideas on what you can do to increase your chances of dropping of some of your best swimmers at the local swimming hole.

#1 - Stop playing Dungeons and Dragons.
If you want to meet girls, and then meat girls, you first need to be in close proximity to them, and when you're busy pretending to be Dildor, the 13th level Blackgaurd Kobold, odds are your in a room filled with overweight, acne encrusted male nerds. And thate room probably smells like farts as well, and there's nothing worse than a beardo fart. So scoring witha chick will be

#2 - Stop Dressing Like This (I found this photo on your blog. Shame!):

#3 - Try hitting on ugly chicks.
See, not everyone is as gifted as me when it comes to the looks department, so maybe you're setting your sights a little bit to high. See that girl withthe buck teeth? I bet she'd touch your wee-wee. Or that girl who's left eye doesn't quite point straight, so you're never sure if she's looking at you, or slightly over your right shoulder? I bet with a little bit of convincing, she'd show you her ariola. Remember, ugly people like to knock boots too (if you ever downloaded ametuer porn, which you likely have, then you know this).

#4 - Take A Shower
Despite what you apparently think, smelling like a mixture of curry, raw hamburger, a soiled adult diaper, and Bigfoot's Scrotum does not a sexy man make. Try bathing (preferably daily), and use soap, especially on your armpits, and on your unmentionables. If Peter, Paul, and Larry aren't clean, then no self respecting, crab free lady is going to let you within five feet of her happy cleft.

If none of those help, try just telling them you know me. I have quite a reputation with the ladies (just ask Suze, and her friends over at her sex blog. They can't stop talking about me!). So odds are you'll get laid just on my reputation alone.

Good luck, and happy hunting.

Column #6 - The Larry Edition

2006-01-11T14:28:00.000-08:00

I had almost all but forgotten about the advice column, since no one seems interested in my excessive amounts of wisdom and wit, so it came as quite a suprise when I had an e-mail in my inbox. So, here is yet another Advice Column edition, thanks to Larry. If anyone else would like some patented Buck wisdom, feel free to e-mail me in all my glory (buckwilly@gmail.com).

Dear Buck,

I have this new girlfriend, let's call her "Darla". She's sweet, and funny, and nice, but she always wants me to call her no matter what. otherwise she "worries about me all the time". This seems really stupid to me, because who the (expletive deleted) does she think she is? The other problem I have is with sex. We have sex and stuff, and it's cool, but she won't give me head, and that pisses me off. What's her problem? Do you think I should dump her?

Larry

Dear Larry,

I assume you are the former neighbor from the television program Three's Company, pictured below with John Ritter.

So first off, thanks for making such great Television!!! If it weren't for the DVD collections of Three's Company my wife keeps buying, I wouldn't spend night after night watching tritely contrived and awkwardly sexual misunderstandings be resolved in a twenty minute time frame, and without that, I am nothing.

Kudos to you. I also enjoyed your other work in the film....uh.........well, your other work.

So, Larry the lady killer needs some romantic advice from the Buckman. Well, let's address the first part of your e-mail first.

Women are, what scientists have termed, "needy". So it's no suprise to me that your girlfriend wants you to call her "all the time". Girls need that. See, women, about whom I know everything, like three things. Shopping, Feelings, and Being Called on the Telephone. Once you understand that, you will reach a zen like peace of mind. So the easiest way to overcome this, is to go from defensive, to offensice.

Call her. Not onc a day. Not even twice a day. Call her every ten to fifteen minutes. Leave her cute little messages about how cute her butty-kins are. Trust me, after two days, she'll be fine with you not calling. The key to defeating a co-dependant significant other, is to be more co-dependant than they are.

As for your second problem, I can totally relate. Mrs. Buck Williams won't get near my tiny, crooked winky. I used to worry about it for a long time, until I had a talk with my Pastor. He told me that if God intended for your wee-wee to go in her mouth-y, he would have put the uteris in her throat. I learned that the only way God meant for man and woman to be together, is for the man to be on top, the woman to lay docile, and the whole sex act to take place within a two minute time frame. Anything else is a sin in the eyes of the Lord. So shame on you Larry. Shaaaaaaaame ooooooon Yooooooouuuuuu!!!!! Also, have you tried hiding your weiner in an Ice Cream Sunday? Girls love ice cream, and if you play your cards right, and suffer from premature ejaculation like I do, you can close the deal before she even catches on to what's happening.

Good Luck Larry!!!

Column #5 - The Lilreddramaqueen Edition

2005-08-31T11:33:00.000-07:00

And now it is time for Buck Williams to dispense more of his wise wisdom. Lilreddramaqueen asks:

why do some poeple smell like ass all the time? even after they shower, they still smelll like someone threw up on them after eating refried beans?? please also tell me why i have to work with these people???

Now, Lil'Red Drama Queen, this is definitely a delicate question, one most of mankind has thought about, and observed, from Plato and Socrates on down to Neitzhe and Frued. Why are there such smelly people, and how on earth can they not notice their stank? To try to better answer your questions, I will quote form some of my presonal favorite philosophers and metaphysicists thoughts on the subject.

Socrates:

I heard, then, that in Naucratis, in Egypt, was one of the ancient gods of that country, the one who's sacred beast is called skunk, and the name of the god himself was Stinkatron. He it was who invented curry, mushrooms, toilet paper, and most importantly, laxatives. Now the King of all of Egypt at that time was the God Thamus, who lived on the great city of the upper region, which the greeks call the Egyptian Thebes. As the long story goes, Stinkatron visited King Thamus, and demanded he sacrifice his beloved Daughter, Ibsis. King Thamus refused, and so the God Stinkatron cursed him, not with imortality, or poverty, but with the curse of smelling like sixteen butts. And so to, his desendants bear the curse of the mighty Stinkatron.

Nietche

God is dead, and it makes a lot of people stink.

Ayn Rand

Poeple stink because that is what's best for the individual, which inturn becomes what's best for society. We need stinky people, because people need to stink. Also, I am really, really boring.

Voltaire

England, while properly called the country of sectarists, and Englishman, as one to whome liberty is natural, may go to heaven his own way. Nevertheless, though every one is permitted to serve God in whatever mode or fashion he thinks proper, there is one liberty which is above all, the liberty to smell like bigfoots unwashed penis. And if it is their right, it is their duty to excersize the right to stink.

Philo of Alexandria

Stinky people are not unlike a bowl of rippened fruit. While the juices are flowing, and dripping, some are bound to go bad, and it is the duty of the other fruits to avoid them, so as to not contaminate themselves with the rot.

Lastly, I would like to include a photo which should probably clear up where the smell is coming from. Enjoy:

Column #4 - The Tony Mullins Edition

2005-08-17T16:16:00.000-07:00

I received the following e-mail from Tony Mullins:

ok then Mr Willy sir, heres a question for you! im meeting my mums boyfriends daughters for the first time next weekend. we are all going out for a meal. should i get drunk or stick to soft drinks? also how should i dress? casual or should i don my best snoop doggy dogg style pimp suit? i await your reply with baited (bad) breath.

There are so many issues to address here, I best seperate them out into neat, understandable bullets:

1 - You're meeting your Mom's Boyfriends Daughters? What is this, the brady Bunch? If it is, which one are you? I imagine you being Peter. You know, the awkward one in the middle, not a cute kid, but not adult enough to deal with grown up problems like condoms and motorcycles. The biggest challenge you'd ever face ona sitcom is a voice change. And if I had to pick someone to play you in a made for T.V. movie, I think I would choose C. Thomas Howell. He's hot.

If it was possible, I'd make out with myself

2 - Should you get drunk or stick to soft drinks? I don't think you should get drunk! I think you should get high on Acid and PCP, wear your favorite outfit (picture below), and every four or five minutes, get up from the dinner table and start dancing to imaginary techno music, and act suprised that no one else can hear it.

My Nipples! They Are Pierced!

3 - As for clothes, well, I partially addressed that above, but frankly, we need to talk about this. Remember last week, when you wore entirely sweat suits. Yellow sweat suits, where we could see your butt sweat leaking through? And remember the week before that, where you were convinced that capri pants were the wave of the future? Now you're talking about Pimp Suits? I think we need to have a fashion intervention here (TLC Anyone! LOL!). Seriosuly, find a look that works for you, and stick to it. I personally think you make a nice goth boy (or girl, I can't really tell from the photo), but quit changing personality types. it only confuses and scares me. I prefer it when people fit into nice, neat stereo types. All White people are rich, shallow yuppies on anti-depressants. All Black people are criminals and gang members. All Asians are good at math and the Violin. All Hispanics are poor and don't speak english. All Samoans are big and jolly. All British poeple have bad teeth and smell like garbage bags. All Canadians say "eh" a lot, and drink beer. So pick your stereotype, and stick with it.

Lastly, I'd like to say a few random things, which have nothing to do with this advice column.

1 - I promise I will update more frequently. Things at the William's household have been a bit hectic, and my wife, who has been talking back to me more frequently, has required more "attention" than usual. And by "attention" I mean "beatings". But I think she's finally learned her place. Stupid women!

2 - To whoever has taken over as the new Mr. Underhill (because I don't believe it's the same guy), yea, we get it, you're parodying Underhill. It was kind of funny at first. Now let's all just give it a rest for awhile. Seriously, sometimes having a blog is like working with a bunch of retarded children.

3 - Lastly, for those who haven't seen this photo, I thought you would all enjoy the real face of Fergi from the Black Eyed Pees (nope, that's not a typo, it's just a clever pun)

Column #3 - The Vegas Gustan Edition

2005-08-04T14:13:00.000-07:00

After my very subtle hint that people should send me more e-mails requesting advice from my fountain of undrainable wisdom, I received the following e-mail from my good friend, Vegas Gustan:

Dear Mr. Willy (hee hee, I said Willy),

Anyway, I decided to take you up on your advice. Should I eat chicken or fish on Tuesday when I go out to dinner at Roy's? Thanks for theprompt attention to this matter.

Vegas Gustan

Since mankind first walked out among the stars, and saw God's divine hand in their placement, there has been no issue more fiercly debated and written about than that of the existence of God. But in a close second place is the question of which is the superior psuedo-meat, Chicken or Fish. And I call them psuedo-meats, because frankly, beef and horse are the only meats we eat in the Buck Williams' Household. Or, if it's sea food, then we either eat Dolphin or Baby Seal. But I digress.

I would say, go with the chicken. The reason? Well, let's say you were the last human being on earth, and you were getting older and older, and the only way left to propigate your species was to try and conceive a child with either a fish or a chicken, creating some sort of hybrid half human, half animal species, we all knwo that a fish-man would be waaaaaaaaaaay creepier than a chicken-man. Sorry, it's a scientific fact.

Buck William's Fun Fact: Did you knwo that if you shoot a chicken out of a canon, there is absolutely no chance that it will survive? Especially if you point the canon at a brick wall, or a knife, or something.

But, there is a bigger issue that needs to be addressed. Namely Roy. Have you ever met Roy, Mr. Gustan (or should I call you V, like that creepy miniseries from the 80's)? Roy is a terrible human being! He smells bad, doesn't wash his face, and scares most small dogs. I heard he once beat up three handicapped kids to steal their wheelchairs so he could make a six wheeled go-cart. Oh yea, and that whole "holocaust" thing? That was all Roy.

He also doesn't wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom.

So my ultimate advice (to the extreme max!), is go eat some chicken at a local Kentucky Fried Chicken (trademark). They have delicious meals, friendly service, a clean establishment, and wonderful mashed potatos. And there's always plenty of parking and smiles, when you come to KFC. Kentucky Fried Chicken, where "family" means something.

This advice column has been brought to you by our newest sponser here at "I'm Right and You're Wrong", Kentucky Friend Chicken.

Column #2 - The Cedia Edition

2005-04-28T08:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Cedia posed a question in the coments section. Although I really prefer to keep my advice column questions in e-mail format, I'm willing to make an exception in this case, because I'm just that great of a human being. That's right. Nobel Peace Prize, here I come. Since I know most of you are too lazy to click on the comments from the last post, here, for your reading pleasure, is what Cedia wrote:

"Hey Buck. Interesting site. Here's my problem. I am a young and new supervisor who supervises a less competent person who just so happens to be a friend. What do I do? I know the answer already and I'm working on growing some balls. Better yet! You have huge balls. Can I borrow them? "

This is certainly a tricky situation, but of course, in my infinite wisdom, I know what you should do. And no, you can't borrow my gigantic testicles. They're kept safely locked away in a vault buried deep n the earth. You can't just expect me to walk around with something that valueable! Besides, I'm sure your have huge Ovaries, and that should work just as well.

Firinig an employee is messy. You often have to explain how much they suck at life, which nobody likes doing to pathetic losers like your friend, because it usually makes them cry, and that's just embarrassing. Plus then there's severance pay, paperwork to file, and the possibility of them coming back to work with a firearm and taking out a few coworkers in a bloodbath which I will likely watch coverage of on CNN (or if you want unbiased news, the Fox News Channel). Also, the fact that this pathetic loser is your friend doesn't make the situation any easier. So my advice to you Cedia, and the only credible way to save your friendship with this complete waste of skin, is as follows.

DO NOT FIRE HIM/HER! Whatever you do, do not fire this person. There are much easier ways of solving this problem, and they will not make you look like the badguy(or girl). What you need to do, is make this persons job so miserable, they quit. Make them hate their job so much, that they start talking about looking for a new job, and when they do, casually mention you've thought about dong the same thing, and encourage them to look. Pretty soon, the problem will sole itself, and you can still be friends. It will also give you a wonderful new outlet where you can complain about how much you hate your job, and this person will understand, because they've been there/done that. Now if you're not sure how to make their job so miserable they quit, here are ten great suggestions you can use.

1 - Have their job title changed to "Engineer Of Anus Pluking". If they ask you why that happened, blame upper management.
2 - Pay several unemployed people in your area to come into work dressed as fake employees, and have them stand behind this person all day, poking them in the back of their head. When the employee complains, pretend you can't see anyone, and point to your payroll saying "There aren't any new people, you must be losing your mind!"
3 - Spread feces on their chair, and then call a team meeting to discuss his or her bowel problems, and how the team can help out.
4 - Every morning smear peanut butter on the bottom of their desk.
5 - Pour vegitable oil into their keyboard. When they complain, tell them they should probably just wash their hands more often.
6 - Don't brush your teeth. Ever. Whenever you need to talk to the employee, get within an inch of their face, and breath through your mouth.
7 - Everytime you see this person, talk about how bad of diarrhea you've been having lately. Make it the exclusive thing the two of you talk about, and ask them really uncomfortable questions, like "Don't you hate it when it burns when it's coming out?"
8 - Give them a horrible nickname. For example, if they have a weight problem (or are self concious) call them "Fatty Fatty Eats-Too-Much", or if they have a big nose, call them "Nose McBig-Huge". Find a physical defect, and exploit it, under the pretext of "good fun".
9 - Ask them to go to lunch with you, then "forget" your money. Di this at least every other day. This also has the benefit of geting you free lunch.
10 - Remeber, never underestimate how much it hurts to be "accidentally" kicked in the shins. With steel toe boots. Or a knife.

Feel free to let me know if anyone else needs some help. Remember, I'm here to make your life just that much better. And since I'm so awesome (and sweet), how could I not?

Column #1 - The Steven Edition

2005-04-27T09:43:00.000-07:00

A good friend of mine sent me an e-mail. He prefaced the e-mail with the following comments:

"Buck, you are awesome. I know this, many people know this, and everybody will some day know this. You smell good, your hair is immaculate, and, I've been told, you have a very large male member. I am having a problem, and I am desperate for a solution. Could you please take time away from your ninja killing, awesome being, lady romancing, world saving, genius having lifestyle and perhaps provide me with some assistance? I humbly lay my inferior intellect at your splendid, perfectly shaped, never smelling bad feet"

Since I've been in a altruistic mood as of late, I've decided to open up my Blog to e-mailed problems. I shall do my best to help you, my fans, with your problems in your lives (since I have none, because I'm nearly perfect. I could just be a little bit better at foosball.) So feel free to drop me an e-mail anytime (buckwilly@gmail.com) with any questions, stories, pictures (no naked ones please), or pointless thoughts thoughts you might have, and I will try to respond to them in a timely fashion.

So without furthur ado, here is the e-mail my friend sent me, and my advice.

"Dear Buck,
I am a 35 year old struggling painter living in the minneapolis minnesota area. I've been living with my current girlfriend for six years now, and I love her very much. I do her laundry, cook her dinner (she works while I stay at home and "create"), and paint her toenails. I recently found out she's seeing another man named "DeWayne". What should I do? I love her, but I can't stand the thought of sharing my "lovely cakes" (that's my cute nickname for her)!
Steven in Minneapolis"

Dear Steven,

Yes, relationships take a lot of time and effort in order to make them work. Simply stated, the amount of energy and time spent to allow people to have sex with you in the way that feels most sweet and awesome is staggering, not to mention all the additional time you have to spend eating, sleeping, watching your favorite T.V. shows, and in your case, painting poorly. It's work. Hard work. Just like having a real job. And on that note, I think I may have found your problem. You see Steven, your not a 35 year old "struggling artist". There are no 35 year old struggling artists. There are only 35 year old failed artists. My first suggestion is you get a real job, anywhere. I'm sure your girlfriend is tired of working all day so she can support you while you stay home and glue macaroni to a posterboard to make a mosaic of James Dean. Does DeWayne have a job? I bet he does.
Next, you need to do something that will make your lady feel like she is the most special person ever. Just doing all the chores for her doesn't always cut it. I'll give you one of my favorite gifts. If you use this, you will score with many, many ladies, many, many times. Find a small dead animal (prefirably a rodent). Take the dead animal (the deader the better I always say) and put it in a shoe box. Then wrap a pretty pink bow around the box. Then leave the box on her desk at work with a note that says "Unlike this rat, my love for you will never die". Pretty soon, she will be back at your apartment, ready to be faithful, and if your lucky, for a night full of snesual delights. This plan will work.
Also, stop calling her "Lovely Cakes". That's just stupid.